


Hold my Blunderbuss Johnny

by KaffeeKup



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, I wrote this in the space of two hours, Johnny is actually the tooth fairy, Judy is both hot but also inconvient, Maelstrom has issues, Nudes, Or the microphone button, Phones, There is a man called dave, V cant find the hang up button, see how many references you can find, someone has a musket
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:42:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29184216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaffeeKup/pseuds/KaffeeKup
Summary: Judy is the worst at timing, V doesnt know how to operate a app and Maelstrom has somehow broken into a museum. V/Judy with suspicious references and more than enough inconvenience to go around. A crack fic featuring increasingly ridiculous situations with minor smut and V being a gonk
Relationships: Judy Alvarez/Female V
Comments: 6
Kudos: 50





	Hold my Blunderbuss Johnny

Watson, Northern Industrial District, Maelstrom, gig, Johnny, package of many things and of course, V.

Specifically a pair of derelict buildings previously part of a now collapsed apartment complex that fed workers and new immigrants to industrial factories, located just a bit outside of the former All Food Plants, now part of the Maelstorm gangs chokehold on this part of Watson. A safe place for recruitment and supply lines away from the constantly shifting frontline of battle with the Tyger Claws.

The gig was simple, retrieve a package of _something_ and get out. The job's description was labelled as easy and a way to space out her time while she waited for Regina to spam her inbox with cyberpsycho sightings or Dakato's errantly odd timing of synchronizing random car images complete with price tags whenever V was busy with _something, anything._ That also included the one time when her professional reputation as a mercenary was called into question after her phone rang and unexpectedly answered _for fucks sake_ during a rather _loud_ session with Judy, apparently the entire club of Afterlife knew how to pronounce "fuck my mouth hurts more than my thighs do and can you pass the salt please?" in fluent Spanish.

So V travelled light to the gig, a assault rifle with a shortened length and stock into a pseudo carbine format and a few clips of ammunition,a crop top and jeans with haphazardly worn light armor pieces stuck to the body parts and organs that she actually needed to live with that somehow finished the complete package of driving into town in a worn down shitwagon that constituted as being covert in this area.

Unfortunately for V, while her Kiroshi optics and RAM Deck prevented her from getting ID'd by security cameras, snipers, surveillance drones, ID triggered minefields, other Kiroshi optics and even face recognition software a Maelstrom ganger equipped with a pair of functioning organic eyeballs and a telescope that was looted from the deck of a 18th century era warship in a museum had spotted her and upon recognising the pink and purple highlights that accented her copper hair, called it in via a extremely and suspiciously complicated series of speaking tubes that snaked around half a block and prompted a roided up "reaction force" comprising of a single squeaky Toyota with three functioning tyres and a collapsed flatbed occupied by a single squad of Maelstromers.

Holding her assault rifles barrel close to the chest high wall in front of her, V engaged the gang. Professionally rapid short squeezes of the trigger netted her a kill or two before the gangers disembarked by throwing themselves onto the ground and she grinned in satisfaction.

She held up a middle finger and pointed it at the biggest ganger. "Fuck you!" She shouted and ducked as the return fire lit up where her prized finger had previously occupied.

"Fuck you too!" One of the gangers shouted and aimed his weapon at her, a single loud boom erupted and in slow motion capture courtesy of Kiroshi, V was surprised to see not a bullet but a musket ball tumble out of the gangers rifle, completely miss her by the margin of a postcode and lumber through the air at pedestrian speed into a nearby signpost and changing the name of the street into "O something".

"Are you fucking serious? Museum pieces?" Laughing in utter bewilderment, V threw an empty magazine at the offending ganger's head and knocked him out with perfect aim and a comically sound "clonk".

"Cheater!" One of the remaining enemies called out.

"No you!" V fired back, slotting a fresh magazine in her rifle and using a quick hack on a nearby vending machine, overloading it and causing its entire inventory of cheap burritos to fly out and attack flanking gang members.

Movement came on the rooftops, a single huffin' n puffin' Maelstrom gang member carried a terrifyingly large black case decorated in latin and curses (according to her zoomed in vision), V swore and prepared herself for what looked to be a heavy weapon that would doubtlessly blow her cover apart. Perhaps even a high tech missile launcher designed to fly into the air and come down with an explosive payload.

Turned out it was neither, the chromed maelstrom ganger. Lined with military tech implants and sixteen cybernetic eyeballs decorating his face pulled out a gigantic golden French Horn. The man steadied himself on the rooftop for stability and blew into the horn,bellowing a great tune of which the composition was sadly lost on V, being about three hundred years younger than whoever created it.

"What the fuck?"

"You know that's not even bad, my boy over there is hitting that shit juuust right" Johnny's grinning form appeared and he saluated the Maelstrom band player?.

"Nice of you to drop in!" V groaned, emptying another magazine onto the floor and slightly panicked when she realised that she only had two left.

Johnny shrugged as he squatted perfectly on the two deep brick wall. "Appreciate the classics sometime, that guy has clearly taken his band lessons to heart, give him some credit at the least"

"Fine" Rolling her eyes, V briefly exposed her head above the wall and called out.

"Hey nice tune!"

"Thanks! My music teacher told me i'd never make it!" The ganger shouted back.

"Happy now?" V sighed as she turned to Johnny who'd disappeared and then reappeared on the opposite side of where V's head was facing.

"Yes"

"I hate you"

Out of its own free will (again) V's video caller rang and then answered, she'd since disposed of a phone and was deeply regretting it, now having to operate the user-unfriendly interface and hadnt figured out how to reject calls yet.

"God fucking dammit what is it now I swear to god?" V groaned and smacked the back of her head against the wall, the band member-turned ganger still bellowing his tune as a part of V's hud turned from a "you are being called" to "you have answered" then slowly morphed into "receiving video".

"I fucking swear if this is the motherfucking car advertising service then I'll fucking tell these shit eating cocksuckers to get off my tits or I'll piss on them with a artifical cunt"

Johnny snorted "You know the therapy services are still open at this time of day?"

"Fuck you Johnny"

V's day that had slowly turned from "okay" into "help" suddenly brightened up as the caller ID showed up as one Judy.A , her output and someone that should definitely be working but right now V didn't mind.

"Hey Judes" V couldn't help herself but smile, even during a strange gunfight her heart always lifted whenever its counterpart appeared.

"Heyyyy V" Judy's voice, sultry and laced with a tinge of suggestion crackled into V's ears, her call ID turning into an image and then a video feed of what was presumably coming from Judy's side head implant.

"Hey?" V blinked as she slowly realised that the video feed was one of Judy in the shower, and that it was slowly pointing from a view of the showerhead and now trickling down, Judy's fingers appeared first and the camera seemed to follow those slim, lovely and tasty digits as they made their way south, cupping Judy's breasts and then giving a leisurely squeeze.

"Uh Judy, I'm uh kinda busy here" Flushed and now distracted by a sudden heat pooling in her stomach, V stammered and tried speaking.

"Hey baby, is your microphone not working"

"Judy I!"

"This is fucking gold" Johnny's voice pierced through V's two fronted concentration battle and she swore a nameless curse of "shut the fuck up" as she frantically tried to find the virtual button that would allow her to actually speak back to Judy, to try to tell her that she was in the middle of a life and death situation and that while it was greatly appreciated, maybe later?

"Doesn't matter, I finished work early and figured you'd enjoy the snow~" A series of images, screenshots followed over the next few seconds and turned into a heated minute, a first person perspective from Judy of as she leant backwards into her shower wall, one hand groping a breast with a thumb on her nipple, tweaking while she made sure to get plenty of _action shots down there._ Distracted with a dry mouth and crimson ear tips, V watched helplessly as Judy screen'capped her masturbation session, despite everything she knew about firefights 101 V was extremely _extremely_ tempted to crank one out right there and then.

But she was interrupted.

The horn from above sounded again, this time a single long note that the remaining Maelstorm members joined in with chanting, their weapons clutched in hands as they raised them to the sky.

"Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!"

The errant symphony reached its crescendo as a nearby portable lavatory gave out a loud "ding" and the door slammed open, the electronic sign above changing from "throned" to "dethroned" as the bulk of a rather larger ganger stepped out with a short but massive calibre firearm ,its barrel the size of a small tree trunk as he brandished it into the air to the war call of "Dave".

The ganger stepped into the middle of the pack, reinvigorating their will to fight as they took up positions around him and started blasting rifle, musket and even smallbore cannon fire around V's position, pinning her down.

V gestured over to Johnny who was busy lounging on the pavement nearby,utterly oblivious to the imminent doom of his host. "Could you do something?"

"Oh right" Johnny lazily pulled himself up and brandished a flamethrower out of his jean's pocket, the rockerboy making "whoosh" and "fwoosh" noises as he mimicked the act of using one.

Unfortunately, the visual and physical realm failed to match the acoustic one and Johnny's impressive flamethrower act failed to barbecue the incoming gangers. "Sorry kid, but it looks like the power of imagination isn't enough" He shrugged and went back to sunbathing.

The gangers advanced, Dave's massive cannon primed and ready as he slowly marched into position, V unable to return fire as the warleaders' cohorts suppressed her position. She swore and cursed Johnny, the pool between her legs ruining a good pair of underwear, Rogue for sending her on this stupid gig to begin with and then thanked Judy for sending her off to hell with a good set of nudes to jerk off to in the afterlife.

She gripped her rifle between her legs and prepared for the end. Mind reeling between Judy's nudes and the events of the past five minutes, her brain fast forwarding and rewinding any useful piece of information she could possibly use to get out of this situation before she was killed by the Napoleonic era.

"Wait a fucking second" She realised as a light bulb manifested in her head, what did Johnny do, or better. What he said.

"The power of imagination fuckers!" V shouted as she processed time in slow motion and locked on to the warleader briefly, but more than enough time to quickly crack the combat-ICE that Maelstrom had and hit Dave with a the deadliest hack she in her arsenal, a pair of cybernetic malfunction quickhacks slamming into his body at the speed of thought and a few seconds later, the ganger writhing and screaming as both of his arms blew off with impression speed, sparks flying out of the connected sockets as Dave's limbs took flight and searched for the stars.

The large bore weapon dropped to the ground and so did he, Dave screamed as he fell back into a mailbox and with a comical clang, landed on his face.

"I cant feel my fucking legs" He groaned.

"That's because your arms have been blown off dude" One of the other gangers quietly commented and they all surrounded their leader, quietly and in a circle.

Taking the opportunity to escape, V located the item she had been sent on , discovering that it was actually right next to her this entire time and that she could have probably avoided the firefight to begin with. Johnny called her a gonk and she fired back with a "gilf eater".

Turning around in her car and speeding off, V watched in the mirror as one of the gangers stumbled into the weapon and gawked at it before picking it up and screaming "Blunderbuss!".

The other gangers took note and soon they were jumping up and down in ecstasy as one of Dave's arms inconveniently landed on top of a forgotten fast food delivery.

Still, could be worse. The NCPD would soon be landed with noise complaints as the ganger with the horn started blurting out again while his fellows below wouldn't stop their chanting until well into the night, the Blunderbuss eventually claiming a victim as a unfortunate Maelstrom member eventually became the first of his kind to enter the exosphere at the result of a misfire.

* * *

Having uninstalled the troublesome phone related software in her head and leaving it with a ⅕ stars review on the net, V travelled slowly through the winding streets of Watson and past Kabuki, ignoring the ruined seat that forced her to constantly shift her thighs so she wouldnt hit a another vehicle.

She'd managed to find a basic flip phone that after some persuasion had accepted all of her contacts with V vowing to never again rely on anything other than handheld devices for accepting calls.

Sooner than she couldn't put it down, the flip phone rang to the tune of UsCracks at full volume and she answered it to Judy.

"Hey babe" Came the voice through the speakers.

"Hey you, sorry about earlier. Was in the middle of a firefight and couldn't find the microphone"

"Thats alright, are you okay? And uh, enjoy the show?" Judy chuckled, sending a warm tingle down V's spine at the combined knowledge that somebody worried about her and also sent nudes, not at the best times granted but still, nudes are nudes.

"Yeah yeah, and yeah, uh yeah" V stammered at the memory of watching Judy tease and then the picture roll of well, "that".

"Heh, good to know _mi calabacita_ , you free?"

"Uh, need to drop off a package for Rogue first"

"Go faster then!" Judy pleaded, her voice taking on a more..urgent tone. One that pricked at V's ears and gave them a cute but noticeable red tinge.

"I am! I ain't gonna crash into people and Rogue will be _pissed_ if something happens to whatever is inside that box" V cried back.

"Commeee ooonnn, hurrrrry upp, if you get here sooon I'll uh" Judy stopped for a second, V could physically hear the ticking sound of whatever her output was planning and it was simultaneously terrifying and arousing.

"Will you give me a kiss?" V teased back, if Judy wanted to play _this game_ then _so would she._

"Ill give you more than a kiss"

"We can do anal, just showered remember?"

_Fuck._

_Uh._

Suddenly Rogue or the traffic laws didn't seem to matter much , V put her foot down and shifted into a higher gear.

"I'll be right there".

* * *

I wrote this in the span of two hours , if you can find all the references then you win a cookie.

Or just look at the comments below, you gonk :P


End file.
